Monday, October 27, 2008

The Usual Gang of...

Now normally, the many places I've worked at houses a pretty decent bunch of people, but it's not without it's 'regulars' and I've learnt to spot those a mile away.
Primarily the cast of characters would include:

The Boss:
Most of the chaps in this lot are good 'uns, but occasionally you come across the odd exception who takes this description to heart. He's a throwback to the good 'ol days of the Raj where it was perfectly acceptable to flog the subordinate for even having the balls to ask 'why'. Nevermind the fact that the reason you've asked the question is because the man has just asked you to bop him on the head with a sledgehammer.

The Minion:
AKA the snivelling sycophant SS. Specimen will always be found not far from 'the Boss' (TB). When TB barks, 'Jump', SS will respond, 'yes sir! How high sir! And would you like me to do a pirouette while I’m at it sir!' Best not to voice options around said specimen, unless you’d like to have it repeated verbatim to TB.

The Ladies Man:
Disclaimer: the above mentioned term in no way describes the author’s opinion of the individual. It is the individual’s own warped opinion of himself, arising out of years of bad eyesight and massive ego, both left unchecked.

The Barbie Du-uhl:
Used to getting her way just by batting her eyelids, it comes as a shock to these individuals that one has to actually *gasp* work to earn a salary. Undeterred, however, they still try and bat eyelids at the first possible moment to get others to do their work. This works wonderfully well in the short term, but eventually, as queue of ardent admirers dries up, the Barbies hatch plots to bat enough eyelids at a loaded suckers, to get them to marry – to love, cherish and obey until the credit crunch do us part.

The Office Clown:
A throw back to the school prankster who still thinks fart bags are hysterically funny, this individual needs to be avoided like the plague, unless you like having pie on your face just before an important client meet. Usually, one would give in to the strong urge to punch a hole through this chap’s skull with one’s stilettos, but most specimens are blessed with a blooming heart of gold. This is probably also one of the reasons this person has survived this long without any major reconstructive surgery required.

The Drama- Queen:
Not to be fooled by the title, this specimen comes in both the male and female varieties. Life around these chaps is anything but dull, and quite often an epidemic of migranes follows in their wake. Everything from a simple meeting with a vendor to traveling by train turns into an Event – to be described in great detail, to a largest possible audience to milk the last drop of sympathy. Quite often the best way to avoid the DKs taking over your life, when greeted with ‘You’ll never believe what just…’ is to quickly counter it with ‘NO! You poor thing!’ Trust me. It’s ALWAYS the right answer.

The Shirker:
This class has two sub-species – the communist and the dictator.
The communist variety is happy not doing work, and more than happy if you join him in his state of happiness by not working either. As long as no one’s rocking the boat by talking dangerously about ‘performance’ and ‘productivity’, he’s a content chap. The dictator on the other hand is a far more treacherous sub species. In order to continue his state of non-work, it is imperative that someone else, i.e., YOU take over all his work. Don’t worry about the boss finding out. He’ll never know, coz the Shirker, sub-class: Dictator’s right there to take the credit…

The Super-Woman:
This is the most annoying of the lot, coz the lady’s near perfect. I’m sure that a male of this species exists somewhere, but I have yet to encounter them. This is the kind of woman who will be in office on the dot at half nine after preparing a 4 course breakfast for hubby and kids, dropping the kids (who’re all mini Da Vincis in the making) off to school and still looking like she’s stepped out of a magazine cover. The mother-in-law adores her, and the boss thinks the sun shines out of her… oh, nevermind.
Over the weekends, after treating the family to a six-course gourmet dinner prepared from scratch, and throwing the dinner party of the century, ensuring that the house can be photographed in the annual issue of the ‘House and Garden’, she’ll still have time to spend some ‘quality time’ with the hubby while the kids obediently hit the sack at 7 pm.
I have a sneaking suspicion they have a clone hidden somewhere in the garage which they conveniently fish out while they’re actually putting their feet up and stuffing their face with chocolate and reading a chick flick like the rest of us. (Or so one can hope, so that our battered self esteem can finally shout a feeble ‘Yay!’)

There are some other regulars, which I haven’t mentioned (like the best friend in office, sympathetic co-worker, super efficient office boy/ secretary, benevolent boss, fun group of singles, the office hunk/ hottie…) but life in office wouldn’t be the same without these amazing group of people, who’re just nice enough to not be mentioned in this post.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Que Sera Sera

If Pickwick’s antics could give any indication of future careers, he’d be…

A Politician: Coz whenever the Baa-lamb comes over for a cuddle, he plays the part of the Moral Police.

An Actor : Coz he’ll do just about anything for a round of applause.

A Chef: Coz he loves to stir things (up)

A Banker: Coz he knows the currency of chocolate is flattery

An Engineer: You should see the delight he has in stacking up towers – and the greater delight when it all comes tumbling down

A Singer: He SO love the sound of his own voice

A Star: Coz he loves playing dress- up (yes, the bindis, the bangles, the hair bands – the works!)

An Activist: He goes on strike every time the channel forgets to air his favourite ads (‘baby, you can’t control what goes on air…’ is met with a ‘not-yet-but-just-you-wait’ look)

An Astronaut: Coz everytime we ask him where he wants to go, he looks up and says ‘Moon’! (Apart from the occasional, rainbow, and for some strange reason, Bruges)

A Sports Star: If jumping from high places without a parachute could ever become a sport

An Artist: coz he’ll draw a tiny squiggle and launch into an elaborate explanation as to how that’s a plane flying through a cloud and the shadow of the bird on that plane.

A Marketeer: Coz he’ll do his best to convince you that he’s a good boy for eating all his chocolate and politely asking for more from your share.

An IT guy: He’s managed to crash 2 systems, pluck out 3 keys from the key board and ruin 1 mouse in his short lifespan. I’m sure he’s not through yet.

A Doctor: Coz he loves giving people ‘Medicine’ for ‘Owwie’ (never mind that he’s the reason for the ‘Owwie’)

A Mathematician: Coz he thinks, logically, three- teen should precede fourteen, and nineteen ought to be followed by twen-teen

A Vet: Coz he loves to use Great Danes like his own personal Pony, and wants to pet the spider, the pigeon, the tiger, the bear, the fox, the ladybird…

Whatever the future may hold, I know what I'm going to be:
The Proud Mommy: who'll be standing behind him, egging him on, shouting herself hoarse, sporting prematurely greying hair, having the first-aid kit on standby and the emergency room number on speed dial.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

resolutions, then and now

What a difference a decade makes...

Then: this year, i shall NOT get drunk.
Now: This year I'm hoping to go to a party which serves drinks that are Not in a spill-proof cup

Then: This year, I shall meet my prince Charming
Now: This year, i hope the Prince still remains charming

Then: Greatest Achievements: radical new building design
now: Greatest Achievements: potty training Pickwick

Then: Most often heard singing: Comfortably Numb
Now: Most often heard singing: Do Re Mi

Then: Ambition: Aga Khan Award for Architectural Excellence
Now: Ambition: Making it home before Pickwick's asleep

Then: idea of a Fun night out: Noisy Disco getting pickled
now: Idea of a fun night out: Any Night out is fun, as long as it's a. Child friendly
b. resistant to breakage
c. lets you get back home without any trips to A & E

Then: fun adventure – para gliding in Goa
Now: fun adventure – a guilty trip to the movies minus Pickwick

Then: happiest when – alone with work and music
Now: happiest when – alone with Pickwick and Music

Then: late nights – back home at four, nap, shower and out of the house at seven
Now: late nights – back home at eleven, sing baby to sleep, load dishwasher, load washing machine, do three sentences of quiet reading, and just as your head touches the pillow, it's morning again – as happily pointed out by a Gleeful Pickwick bouncing on your tummy

Then: Tummy – flat and meant for flaunting
Now: tummy – soft and meant for supporting little (and not-so-little)heads while sleeping

Then: pencil test – passed with flying colours
Now: wont even pass a rolling pin test

Then: when buying clothes, make sure they fit, and the rest is taken care of by mommy
Now: when buying, make sure they're stain resistant, crease resistant and drool resistant. And oh – wait for the sales.

Then: choosy about food – I'm not putting that into my mouth
Now: food? As long as I'm not cooking, who cares?

Then: idea of a good house – fit for the architectural digest
Now: idea of a good house – one where Pickwick wont manage to cause major harm to either himself or the furniture

Then: Idea of travel - 2 pair of jeans and plenty of clean undies, trusty SLR
Now: Idea of travel - 2 pairs of jeans, plenty of clean undies, baby buggy, six pairs of spare clothing, healthy snacky food, juice, sunhat, first aid kit... and baa lamb if there's space

Then: Nothing cheers you up like good food and the company of good friends
NOw: Nothing cheers you up like good food and the company of good friends

Glad to know some things never change...