Sunday, April 27, 2008

A Blogger's Guide to the Real World

There have been many , many self-help, money-spinning guides that guide a beginner through the wonderful world of blogging. None, however, that recognise that there are millions of bloggers out there who actually need a guide to function during the time that they spend away from the safe haven of the computer screen.
The world is a mean and cruel place that makes no allowances for techno geeks who're totally at sea with any communication that does not involve a monitor and/ or Avatras. This does not bode well for bloggers such as myself. Thus the need fo the guide: 'A Bloggers Guide to the Real World'
This guide should be a step-by-step process of discovery of how the rest of the world (those strange, unnnatural, unevolved beings) communicates.
It should include useful tips such as what to do when a member of the Opposite sex talks directly at you, how to react if another member of our species attempts to indulge in physical contact - like trying to shake hands (it is not to be construed as an act of over aggression, in fact, strangely, it is supposed to mean quite the opposite) and even how long should one engage in eye contact before it is considered creepy , at first, and if a bit longer, disturbing. Of course too short a duration (of eye contact, that is) , and its' considered impolite, or symptomatic of ADD. See - tricky stuff, this.
Geeks such as myslf, all over the world, who think the face looks most luminiscent when viewed bathed in the reflection of a flickering monitor and people who've been outdoors too long have an unnatural glow would naturally think it most foul to indulge in any sport that does not involve a keyboard or a joystick. But considering the fact that so far, the Olympics have not included the video games category (and I'm still wondering why not) we are apparently in the minority. Thus when asked by one of the 'others' as to what sport do you pursue, the guide would tell us that it's not a good idea to tell them 'Ultimate Speed Racer Level XX' at Such times, infact it would gives us uselful little white lies we could use, for example: I used to be a footballer in colleges, but after my knee injury, I'm now more of a viewer, than a doer. or I love skiing, but now that I've moved to Chennai, there's not many places where I can indulgein this passion.
It is also not a good idea to tell the 'Others' that their so called password protected files and systems are ridiculously simple to hack into, and you could wipe out their entire credit history if you so chose. This is apparently not a subject that has them rivetted. These strange beings hate to be told how vulnerable they are, and how much we control the world they live in. They would much rather hear about your opinion on the most recent movie release, and how much CGI has changed entertainment. This guide should give you access to an online site that has the latest movie release with their reviews, which is updated every week. All you need to do is log in to this site before your evening of intermingling and brush up on the latest news.
I have searched the realms on the world wide web for such a book, and have found nothing. Zilch. Nada. Maybe such a book does not exist.

Or maybe I should go to an actual, Physical book shop. One hears that these things are located at every street corner. Hmm... perhaps tomorrow. For now I'm happy in my little cubicle with the tap-tapping of the keyboard to soothe my nerves and my IM friends who're a very very safe distance away.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

I have some vacation time coming. It's been long overdue. So I decided to utilise my two weeks vacationing in China. Reactions at work went thus:
Sense: Boss, I'd like a holiday
Boss: no.
S: But Boss...
B:Are you nuts? This is peak season. This is no time to take a couple of days off to go gallavanting!
S: Erm... I was thinking more along the lines of a couple of weeks.
B: Ha! the work must be getting to me. I though I just heard you say something about weeks...
S: actually I did. Two weeks to be precise.
B: (after some hysterical laughter) ah Sense! you crack me up!

Co worker
S: I'm off for two weeks.
CW: really? and your boss let you? no way!
S: yeah, so listen, could you like, erm handle a few things for me? I'm in the midst of it and... it's just taking it ahead. no sweat really.
CW: (breaking into a sweat) You say that now. wait till the whole thing goes pear- shaped. Then who's caught holding the bag!
S (rolling my eyes): relax! Nothing that drastic is going to happen.
CW :(now seriously beginning to freak me out by doing an eeerily accurate imitation of Gollum) Nothing drastic she says. we know better don't we? She just has to turn her back, and we know it's all going to go bad. Baaad! Baad, I tell you.

Friend in the next department:
friend: so it's true then? they Actually let you go?
S: erm yeah... so far.
F: (with awe) wow. So where are you off to?
S: China.
F: eh? China? The country? like in the Olympics and 'Free Tibet'?
S: I didn't know there were options. Are there any other Chinas that you know of?
F: Ah. K. Well... don't forget to get me ... erm - what do you get in China?
S: Everything that you get here. just cheaper.
F: well, then - get me something. a fake Rolex or whatevva.

So my voicemail now goes:
'HI this is Sense here and I'm off for two weeks (short pause to let that filter past incredulity and sink in) For any queries, please contact Boss or Co-worker. Of course, they've instructed me not to pass on their number to Anyone, so I guess unless you're psychic, you'll have to wait til I'm back and can really clean up the nuclear fall- out caused by my Vacation. Have a nice day!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

How we spend snow days.

My family has always been proud of being foodies. We make no bones about it. hence the conversation that follows.

Venue: Our House. Time: 8:50 am, on a Sunday. The Occasion: our first real snow shower in London.

For The benefit of all the non- Tam-brams reading this post, I have translated the conversation for you.

Baa Lamb: ... BIG flakes.


Have you made the curry already?

Mother-in-law: Almost. Everythings' ready. You can start if you want. Just have to fry it a bit more. it's done.


IT's nice... soft (No we are NOT talking about the snow here) or we can stop now.

BL: what's the time?

MIL:not even 9.

BL: 8:55. (thoughtful pause)

MIL: so should I fry it?

BL: Don't you always fry it??

MIL:It's fried! it's done!

BL: Fry it.

(sound of frying...)